This morning, I was still or yet again, in what I have decided to term a funk. I am also going to point out that a funk for me can be a depression, a dealing with life on life’s terms that feels heavy without freedom and expression of my simultaneous joys. It can also be a place where my head is very full of things, that do not seem to congeal into one coherent story. A brain full of fragments. I think everyone has fragments, but a funk comes for me when the fragments have weight and meaning, appear to conflict, and come to no conclusions as to actions to be taken. How long can one sit, not reacting, before one gets stuck?
So, Kathy’s blogs “When intentions ‘fail’ perhaps something else ‘succeeds’ and “Rant” , yet again, used some of the words for the concepts and feelings of the fragments in my head.
I typed a LOT in the comments of the two blogs. I fretted over Kathy possibly feeling that I had run over her blog. I fretted over why I cannot(have not been able) to just write my own blog in response. I told myself that Kathy can speak up, delete comments and so on a so forth. I got distracted in this thinking by the feeling of creation.
I have been smelling pumpkin pie cooking for two days. I avoided making pie, crust is messy. I thought of the warmth of the kitchen and the scent of ‘home’ that permeates the house when I bake. I followed the scent of baking bread. I am NOT making bread!(I said that loudly to myself.) I thought of cinnamon, cloves, vanilla, and cedar simmering on the stove. OOOOO I can do that!
Then I thought that if I just wiped the counters. Put some things away. Created a clean slate. I made a simple list, without expectation of getting any of it done today, just the step of noticing the items was enough. My brain began to gather around my writing pink pen and said oh dear don’t write that down, it’s too simple just take action! So, I did.
I have cleaned things, which weren’t so messy as my eyes were seeing. I am working on the cooking. I am focusing on how the ingredients feel in my fingers, thanking them for providing grounding input for my overdone system. I am very glad my fingers like to feel and to create images and feelings. This overrides the fragments. This provides structure and value for me. I am starting to feel anxious again as I type, so I’m going to go off now and continue creating. Thank you, friend Kathy!