Made of Stone, Thinking, Choices, Identification of Behavior

The thing with this is, due to true experience, I can smell it sooner. This is good. This is also bad, reacting, while it can save my life, can also have me seeing zebras when all that is present is white and black. Maybe this is all still me on the inside when I am screaming and I think that expression is making it to the outside and being erased, I am wrong. Sometimes keeping my side of the street clean looks a LOT like giving others excuses for their own behavior, a lot like enabling abuse. I wish for strong people around me who can handle when I need to blow up and use music to speak more loudly for me and to forgive me when I am mistaken.

I wonder how many times someone makes a choice to give up a thing they wish to express to me because they do not wish to weigh upon me. I am quite sure that it happens. The thought makes me glad and full of sorrow at once that I might inflict what has me feeling like nothing, upon another who is giving me the gift of them.

I wonder if this too, is just life. If the process isn’t to an end, how is there balance? I’ll be rather angry and laugh if the answer is like what I hear in my head. It’s like the law of large numbers.

I REALLY HATE BEING INVISIBLE. and yet, I really like being invisible. If I cannot work that out, how the hell can I expect someone else to do so. Bad, bad form Elisa!

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2 thoughts on “Made of Stone, Thinking, Choices, Identification of Behavior

  1. You say you’re sure it happens, & I know absolutely. I try not to hold back these days because really, who am I to decide whether a person can “handle it”? Better to challenge them with honesty, let them decide.

    Great post.

    Like

    • I think that you are correct. I also think that I have had a pattern of just letting things fly, sometimes literally, that is not okay and is a defect in my character. Every moment that I have a strong passion, I wish to let it fly. It is just not okay to inflict that upon people.

      I’ve just climbed out of bed and I think my mind now wishes to be snarky over others not being grateful for my restraint. Gotta love me. I’ll just give that part the stink-eye and several cups of tea.

      Thank you for reading and sharing what you feel.

      ps. I read again and beyond the snarky one, I believe that you meant to say to share the appropriately moderated thoughts and wishes behind what can drive me to not be able to modulate me (read not being abusive to self nor to others) I had a very snarky older lady tell me that thing about the ‘handle it’ years ago. I remember I liked her quite a lot and she had a hand in saving my life–I like to think so anyway.

      Like

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