Made of Stone, Thinking, Choices, Identification of Behavior

The thing with this is, due to true experience, I can smell it sooner. This is good. This is also bad, reacting, while it can save my life, can also have me seeing zebras when all that is present is white and black. Maybe this is all still me on the inside when I am screaming and I think that expression is making it to the outside and being erased, I am wrong. Sometimes keeping my side of the street clean looks a LOT like giving others excuses for their own behavior, a lot like enabling abuse. I wish for strong people around me who can handle when I need to blow up and use music to speak more loudly for me and to forgive me when I am mistaken.

I wonder how many times someone makes a choice to give up a thing they wish to express to me because they do not wish to weigh upon me. I am quite sure that it happens. The thought makes me glad and full of sorrow at once that I might inflict what has me feeling like nothing, upon another who is giving me the gift of them.

I wonder if this too, is just life. If the process isn’t to an end, how is there balance? I’ll be rather angry and laugh if the answer is like what I hear in my head. It’s like the law of large numbers.

I REALLY HATE BEING INVISIBLE. and yet, I really like being invisible. If I cannot work that out, how the hell can I expect someone else to do so. Bad, bad form Elisa!

Broken

never attaching is a good excuse and trap for those who fear rejection, who fear or lack an ability to love, truly love not just mirror back what they want in return or simply for their own spirits. attaching and clinging on is just as bad it sucks the life out of everyone it touches. where is God in all of this? it amazes me how many people construct so many reasons or ways of why this and why that to avoid a God they cannot understand. to make themselves God. or to demolish God altogether. those who work in service are human and have needs also. who makes it ok to smile with the hand out to receive but to turn away and make invisible the giver at the first sign of the reality of completing the circuit being whole and giving back

one can analyze all day, things others say, things other teach
one can quote all day, same same result
which party is on the outside looking in then?

i may have more to say later on, i’ll just use the edit button

elisa