breathing treatment and Chinese Breakfast Tea just after 5:30 am or is it 6:30 am and strangely dark 33 degrees in the middle of November what do I expect still looking for Summer 80s breeze resentful laughing at myself noting the still green grass
cranberry stained glass leaves gone to crumple in the 20 degree freeze of yestermorn now holding stock still valiant and full of spread smooth strength and obstinance to cling and to quiver shiver in the dark maybe not a shiver–a wave hello fellow living thing to fellow living thing awake in the dark
the kitchen has basil now and lemons bright yellow lemons in a blue and white designed bowl special scalloped edges cinnamon scent spirals up into my nose pearls of tea bumps between my thumb and finger squeezing free every exquisite and e-wordless drop into the favored cup between my lips heaven passes and sighs
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light take the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady, I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.”
–Theodore Roethke
Somewhere, in the middlin-end of the night, a light shadow flicked across the surface of my brain and I knew it was light moving through legs and calves and feet. Feet wearing oxford shoes, manly-type oxford shoes. Flexed a toe, to feel for new, inflexible and squeaky hard bottomed platforms. Flexed a toe to feel for the groove, a careful bend and give, familiarity, soft scuffles and the touch of the earth terrain–lumps and bumps and LIFE!
I heard rain. Gentle drips and splatters sneaking through the canopy of trees, making the slow motion crash from surface to surface slowing down until at last perching upon the perfect tip with minute point awaiting(of course)the touch of my finger that mine eyes might glorify such perfection in drop, for an hour or two minutes, whichever comes first to mind.
To lick manly fur or drop? My mouth IS dry! I neeeeeed a drink! Such treasure hunts for dew, endling-walks at night. Manly fur it is, good choice, thirst quenched. Now.
I contemplate opening one eye. I practice. Definately NOT the left one first today. Where am I going? I am going to open the right eye, just to see. And then, close it again. And be distracted by the manly scent of fur. And pine a moment for the going, and the coming back again. This moment is sublime. What does sublime mean?
Ah! Too late, I am already going down the stairs and making tea as my feet hit the floor and I sigh and I stretch. And I make the tea, and I check the mail, and I see Janet, asking me if I am going…someplace, somewhere. Janet? I am always full of ING things. I do not at this moment know how to provide a more accurate accounting. I will try to shorten it to, I am always going. How can one NOT be always going?
Today’s recurrent theme is…walking on a tightrope. I feel ambiguous and perhaps lost. And then, I open my eyes, and I am all-together, walking on a tightrope.
The search to unlock and enhance my expression began with this video, embedding is disabled please click the link which will open in a new window for you. I had a very strange reaction while listening to his words and how he felt as he was doing the walk. It took my breath away in that often embarrassing manner when my eyes tear and my body shakes in awe. I do not often share this feeling with others. When I have tried, it seems that others cannot comprehend it, and I keep it private for the most part.
I took my eldest child to college this weekend. I noticed that the process was a lot like walking alongside someone with a terminal illness. I, of course, kept this to myself, trying to know what my daughter required of me and thinking not to be expressive in a manner which she dislikes. I could not tell, while observing the similarities in providing for a dear departing friend, if I was not really knowing what to do, or in a very balanced grounded state observing and coping nicely.
Several bits of my head say, I am confused. Some say, YAY!! Independence for meeee! Other parts say, Look at her goooo!!! Still other parts say, ok I let go of the bike, does she want me to walk away, or watch intently and to remove obstacles or catch the bike before she might fall. Yes, indeed I am walking a tightrope. Images in my mind show me silly things like lily-pads to jump on away from the imagined rope, but then they are just another place to choose to place my feet, one step at a time. I am thinking(thought) this blog after I located the video and the quotes that will follow. Both the quotes and the video helped me to express to the outside, or perhaps they did not help me, but I used them. Semantics are wonderful for expression, denial, and love.
I did not choose one quote today, as at the time of writing I wasn’t/am not completely finished exploring why this theme.
“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.”
William Arthur Ward
“In the beginning you must subject yourself to the influence of nature. You must be able to walk firmly on the ground before you start walking on a tightrope.” Henri Matisse
“In this day and time, with no competition you are really walking a tightrope. I mean you may think that no competition is good, but in reality no competition is really bad. ” Jerry Lawler
“Life is always a tightrope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope.” Edith Wharton
“My wife says that stage acting is like being on a tightrope with no net, and being in the movies, there is a net – because you stop and go over it again. It’s very technical and mechanical. On stage you’re on your own.” Eli Wallach
“Skill is successfully walking a tightrope between the twin towers of New York’s World Trade Center. Intelligence is not trying. ” Marilyn vos Savant
“The leader can never close the gap between himself and the group. If he does, he is no longer what he must be. He must walk a tightrope between the consent he must win and the control he must exert. ” Vince Lombardi
“The world may end up under a Sword of Damocles on a tightrope over the abyss.” Andrei A. Gromyko
Elisa's Spot 