Nutboogers! Passionate Commitment Bites Me in the A.. (uhm hiney)


This is my What the Heckle and Jeckle Face!

I made a comment over on Kathy’s blog, Close the Door and Stay Inside All Winter. And then, I responded to another comment. And then, Kathy had her own reply. It’s what happens on blogs quite frequently!

This morning, I got up and began to do my pleasant normally pleasant morning routine. I became engaged before I finished the first cup of tea. Normally, is not my best decision in the day, to do so before having the third cup. Just ask those who know me! I am particularly enjoying a new blog that I’m writing, which I am keeping private, for now. In it, I’m expressing things that I do not often express and in ways that I do not often express them. I think that I like it, though some of the things can feel ugly in parts. And then I get feedback, and the hidden ‘ugly’ bits, just become normal. (OOOOOo….maybe THAT’S ENOUGH!!!—this is directed at Kathy! Everyone wave madly to Kathy)

But every day, as I finish reading or writing there, I come back to the dashboard here and look at the February Passion Creative Every Day 2011 commitment that I made. And I have posted nothing. Well, I have posted many things indeed, just all privately. So, I am accumulating guilt and some small amount of shame–the shame part is odd for me to do. I’m frowning at the little one jumping up and down waving a hand madly in the air saying…look look at meeee I AMMMM working very hard over hear…do you see me do you?!?!?!

We can all take a moment to sigh and shake our heads, maybe even an eye roll at it. Anyway, when I do commit to something BOY DO I!!!!!!! Even to my detriment! And the things to which I commit, I do not even always realize that I have made an agreement with myself to commit, until I come to an internal and unfamiliar fussing, which makes not so much sense. Fine! It’s the wave of sudden Passion that does it, makes me aware, brings a tacit agreement to light. It can then present me with a difficulty making a conscious choice, to continue it, to decide why I took such a thing upon myself to begin with, and can I make it of good use.

AH HA! A LIGHTBULB MOMENT! Quite often, when I am feeling the most passionate about a thing, I will appear on the outside to have shut down. I will go quiet. Creative thoughts and pondering of all that I just typed fill my head, along with the daily–oh look a chickens, of daily life. I can get overloaded. It can feel, to me, as if there are so many seemingly disjointed things side by side, that there is no adequate way to communicate them clearly, to present an entire picture of me at once that is honest and accurate.

I will also add, before I abruptly end this particular post, that the thought….many minds in many places vs one mind in many places. I shall have to make a decision to consider if the expression is needed or if some of it is coming from being ungrounded and me not paying attention to it. Being grounded helps me to filter out things that are irrelevant in each moment. It also lets me be aware of them, if I choose, in a less blender type manner. (and a voice says..yes but what if sometimes some of the things wanting to be expressed are truly important and you are using being grounded as a shield not to see them, because they quite conveniently don’t fit a current idea of who you think you are) Sigh. Thank you wise teacher( and pain in the ass!) I love you.

Inside Upside Down and Backward Blog (7)

This morning, I started off in bed.

**Already a good start if We do say so Ourselves, soooooooo much better than the floor.

Felt like someone inflated my body and then firmly stuffed the extra spaces full of cotton. Who knew eyelids were inflatable?!? Also felt like someone had a power line with intermittent surges attached directly to my spine and in the spaces in between the surges that my body parts and mind were just floating off randomly in separate directions.

**THAT, is what you GET for eating 3/4 of a box of the lovely organic lemon cookies..We toooooooold you so, yes we did….

So, I sighed and reached for the glass of water beside the bed and began to guzzle. My insides were busy muttering and then one joyful bit ripped away from the rest and said:

**ooooooooooo yes within the mindless guzzle are tendrils and rivlets of cool refreshing water going down the throat across the desert of a tongue and sharing the possibility of a waking up in the tummy as it pools YAY!

I smiled and chuckled and then squashed it with a decided frown.

**She is soooooooo stubborn, isn’t it amazing to watch?!? Please stretch, just a wee stretch…come on…you can do it…

Of course the teeny stretch was amazing and led to wall stretches that took me to the sink, splashing wonderful cold water onto my face and neck and arms. MMMmmm now tea!

No time to sit still this morning, slipping grumpily off into Cotton-land again. Take a kiddo for food and then to work.

**pssst….tree place ….tree place

Harumph, see how they gang up on me?!?

I first went to read about Kathy’s Thrill at Lake Superior Spirit and then I followed her to her description of coffee. Ok, so I am still sleepy and I’m a sensory sort of person and the lust for the smell got me motivated enough to leave the house AND to visit the tree place on the way back from depositing a kiddo at work. The blog was about the world waking up, noticing and remembering itself, though being new again and taking a son to the airport and to his own life. It had me think of my own child heading off to college in a month and the daily attention and focus on some things, that often, through another’s eyes seems like one is giving up better bits in favor of daily requirements. I wonder if I am creating a potential loss, or simply dancing within a what-if.

On the way home I stopped at the farmer’s market, the gifts of the gardens are never boring to me. Someone teased me there once and said that I look like a small child in a candy store flitting from item to item touching and smelling.

**Yes and he prods you with the words hmmm time for a farmer’s market moment, when you have had sugar or are down too silly.

God bless true friends eh? 😉 They always seem to say what you need, even if you do not at the moment want to hear it!

So, today I am recovering from sugar. I wonder as I type, does recover mean to get over or to cover up again?

Off to make a crust-less beet green quiche..mmmmmmmm

Inside Upside Down and Backward Blog (4)

I want to thank Kathy’s comment on Morning Trip(12) for the inspiration and the inner push that helped me to move through what I will share. It was a comment back to her about what she said about being wise. (You can find her at Lake Superior Spirit).

The Comment that Became an Inside Upside Down and Backward Blog

Ok, that one has me shy, so…posting something on Wisdom 😉

Words of Wisdom

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All right, this portion is an edit. I got up with my tea after sleeping in a bit and wrestling with things in my sleep (yes again), I came into WordPress as I do and read your comment again, thinking ok now what will I answer to it. I still squirm away from the label wise and wisdom. Perhaps if I chose to wrestle with that concept instead of the one that I am, I might be resting more!

My path through an answer this morning began as a trek through youtube. I wanted to see if a manner of expression which I found acceptable would present itself. I thought about easing my feeling of being vulnerable. I chuckled at myself as I said to myself, “Elisa, people do not often know just how vulnerable you have been by your choices in postings of subjects and the feelings that you express through a matching music choice or image.” At the same time the first video I encountered that felt right was:

The chatter in my head said: “Oh dear lord people will not listen to something Star Wars said!”
The emotional response was: “Ut oh, I have been “screwing up” and that I know how to “get me out”, but that I haven’t been attending seemingly disjointed incoming information to redirect myself.” I also cried, which I dislike and pretend to be cranky about, though it tells me, “Yay, on the right track!”

I was still feeling uncomfortably presenting Yoda for a wisdom response. I continued the search, and found this:

I’ve never seen the movie, nor have I read the book. I swore a lot at it, while other parts of my insides nodded in agreement uttering things like, “Seeeeeeeeeee!”

Next followed the Soupy Sales words of wisdom, that I posted above.
And, lastly, this:

Don’t start your soul out so loud or full out……mmm mmmmmmmm mmmm! What a breakfast!