One Day At A Time, One Moment At A Time

You know? (long pause)

Life feels pretty darn unmanageable. (someone in my head says–you are sober ya goober, try a little thanks)

Oh YES! I am really glad for that and wow, what I am perceiving as life on life’s terms just now would, well I don’t even think there is a word for how much worse it would be, if I were not sober. Thanks God for helping out with that, and thanks for tolerating me kvetching at you, sometimes when you carry me I just can’t see what has been moved out of the way and only the things I view as insurmountable. I try, that bit is a work in progress, still.

Well, this morning the body and the house feel just so out of control. Oh look, that control word. There are all kinds of control and plenty of better words and tools to use so that I can see what I can change, things I can do and so on. I just still grab the word control, the world seems to demand a person has control or a false sense of control. shrugs

I decided to make a list of accomplishments, helps me to see past the spin and overload to help me to notice what I am doing and to provide a solid point of focus. The list is already rather annoying me, damn, I do a ton of little things all at once–efficiency is good, tracking it looks…the way it does 🙂

I got out to the Tree Place yesterday. I haven’t been well so my body is so weak that I can get dizzy just going up or down the stairs once. It is too difficult to attempt to shower and to dress and to go down and then out to the car and so on. Yesterday was bright and sunny, and refreshingly cold. I just went out in the state I was in and drove. I weebled out of the car about 100 feet to the tree. It was worth it. I leaned on it for a bit to rest and I thought I might need help back to the car but…I WON! I realized that going out is life for me and that to remember that being perfect and doing the whole walk and the rituals with it and the prayers is too much for my ability right now. I remember years ago when my brain was not allowing me to walk or talk and muscle control was FUBAR. A simple shift of transferring the anger and sadness at not being able, to the same joy at making it outside the front door to lean on the house and to close my eyes and breathe the air and glory in the sun on my face was amazing!

Today, every step, every motion, is one thing accomplished, one thing that says I AM. One gift from my Creator to see that which is presented to me on a daily basis that falls under, yes, I can do. The song, for now, is probably thinking too large for me, One Day At A Time is more like eating the whole elephant. One bite at a time, one nibble at a time works!

Stopping for a Red Flag Waving

Some would wish to call the events of my week, the week from Hell. At some parts of it, those were the shortest easiest words to allow to spring forth from my lips to explain what others must have seen on my physical body expression without me complaining nor saying a word to them. Sometimes I like to allow one person that I allow close to me to share what I perceive in a moment to be a burden that seems sooooo vast to me that I begin to laugh at it–which to outsiders appears hysterical or unbalanced. It’s a nice relief seeing that response from others, and provides additional fodder to feed the laughing humor bits of me, and to allow a moment of down time for the rest to gain better perspective and a restart.

This week, two daughters back to college at separate colleges, mold and fire hazard issues in(of course) the dorm that is 4.5 hours away. Then she messaged me yesterday to say, “MY ROOMMATE HAS LIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!”

Daughter two, her experience so far was excellent–until…..
(wait for it, wait fooooooooor it)
she walked into her room and roommate went against contract and sprayed room full of febreeze setting off instant bad asthma attack and daughter had only two puffs of her inhaler. She rarely needs it so….

Accommodations meetings with son’s school, enrolled him into online public school, tried to withdraw him from original school and THEN after three years of this…offered excellent stress free accommodations. Dilemma he seems MUCH more engaged and happy doing the lessons online, in fact ‘ending’ learning time, to get quiet for me is an issue. But!! He wants to be able to have this at the old school–the one with the ‘fixed’ accommodations plan.

The body is fed up and has sore throat, the I’ve been beaten by a stick all over, and wheezy thing going on. I’m eating properly, adjusting breathing and health maintenance meds, and going to attempt to lie down and to rest. In order to do so, I’m calling it luxuriating. It may involve a small magazine splurge, including a trash one with surveys!!

I’m laughing now, as I assume that if any of you came to read, you might wish you had not, or you stopped long ago. However for me, this is/was life on life’s terms, I am calling a Stopping for a Red Flag Waving, so that I can keep doing the next right thing. 🙂

I found this neato slide thing on a slow down quotes search. It validates and justifies my luxuriation plot of the day.