Morning Trip (192)

“When loneliness comes stalking, go into the fields, consider
the orderliness of the world. Notice
something you have never noticed before,

like the tambourine sound of the snow cricket
whose pale green body is no longer than your thumb.

Stare hard at the hummingbird, in the summer rain,
shaking the water sparks from its wings.

Let grief be your sister, she will whether or no.
Rise up from the stump of sorrow, and be green also,
like the diligent leaves.

A lifetime isn’t long enough for the beauty of this world
and the responsibilities of your life.

Scatter your flowers over the graves, and walk away.
Be good natured and untidy in your exuberance.

In the glare of your mind, be modest.
And beholden to what is tactile, and thrilling.”
–Mary Oliver

Enthusiasm and Life On Life’s Terms

“Think on This…
. . . to meet the disturbing factors with as much joyousness as if they were bringing pleasure in the material sight, will alter . . . much in the heart and mind of the seeker. For that which is is a result of the thinking of individuals as related one to another.
Reading 610-1”

Hmm. I remember when I could do this and I could say this and I could really mean it!! I truly lived it. It wasn’t fluffy self-help garbage nor delusion. Today, as I read this in my inbox, part of me said, “YES!, Remember that!?! Yes! Do that!” Another part said, “Oh Bullshit!” It also muttered some choice curses. A part that I think is probably closer to the truth recalled how such things termed heavy now were pretty much the same, though different and I had that Joy, I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t as afraid. I wasn’t clinging with my teeth gripped onto a last shred of stability. I am smiling to have shared a few of these views today, out loud. I think that being positive also means sharing how things really are. I think that many of the nudges over the last few days from friends, strangers, and even enemies are my Higher Power nudging me a bit. I notice in my now kvetching to God about fruffy messages and all the hard work I’ve done meaning shit, IS AN ATTEMPT AT COMMUNION with my God. I am at my worst when I am out of that communion. I avoid it as I do not seem able to do it ‘properly’. THIS AVOIDANCE AND PERFECTION are danger signs for me. The invisible police attack and fine me. They tell me not to bother, and that I have other, perhaps better, or worse things to attend. I think God knows what I am screaming inside in frustration and in despair. I also think that I forget to ask. Forget to share–ok avoid sharing that which will seem like a rant, but is truly my real life. I can’t survive pretending it’s ok. I can’t survive by moving back toward the If Only This or That, THEN I will have joy, be ok, be grounded, have balance, find things that please me, fill in the blank.

The joy of seeing the nudges in the things that others write, allow me to borrow them, when I cannot do it myself. They remind me of what I did do, what I CAN do. They provide me with an open window that I cannot notice because I feel trapped inside a ‘house’ where I insist that the doors are all closed. I thank one and all for this sounding spark.

The FIRST Cauliflower in the Universe!!

–ok FINE!
It’s just in my garden. (rolls eyes and clucks tongue at your lack of enthusiasm)
I had nervously faithfully been peeking down into the center of my cauliflower plantings. I had been searching growing the plant, because I never have done so, and I…well all I could do was to peer at it, entreat it to produce at the appropriate time, As God Saw Fit…

–ok FINE! (waves you away while doing a similar version of the above actions)

Maybe more as I saw fit. It has been like making my mother-labeled figure do one of her nicer things and whack and whack and whack whack whack, that mangled can of Pillsbury crescent rolls onto the counter so that I could see the Pillsbury Dough Boy pop out and do the giggle, JUST FOR ME!!!!

It was only overnight, it might have been a day or two–or I could be blind as a bat, and the next morning, when I went to feed the cat, I saw

THE FIRST CAULIFLOWER IN THE UNIVERSE The First Cauliflower in My Garden. The author, she made me cross that out, I might hate her at the moment–such a stodgy women of the literal and the blunt and the honest (hell doesn’t she understand creativity AT ALL?!?) Oh dammit, now I have talked too much and I have missed the appropriate awed faces of appreciation at MY FEET, uhm no FEAT…

The First Cauliflower in the Universe--ok just my garden

VOILA! ET TAAA DAAAAAAA!!! (exaggerated bowing and the flipping back of magic satin cape lined in purple, of course)

Here also is the most lovely shades of green ever created by Me…

Most Lovely Green copyright

WAIT!!!

Beforeeeeeeeeeeeeee she has a rant, God did that too!! None of the peppers looked the same, in shade, if one was studious, and I was. Creating is so amazing!!! It seems so much more obvious in the garden than in many other places.

Now, I’ve got to go…I planted beet seeds and mixed salad greens seeds…I also have to learn how to thin the collards they are so perfect with their little fractal shapes all lined up on a row at the same time!!

Amends, Thinking About Lessons, and To Whom It May Concern

I often fail to see the Grace in a thing
until after, sometimes still, long after.

I often fail to express the Grace in a thing
my heart and my mind just cannot pin it down, with words that carry my meaning.

I grieve to think
that my lack somehow, has not taught you to notice nor to feel Grace.

I smile to think
of the many times that I fell down and then I got back up, to feel Grace myself.

I cry a little
to think of the bumps and mistakes that you will have to make, from which I failed to save you.

I grin a little
to know that I would make such a glaring mistake, and keep you from your own Grace.

I watch, and I wait, and I hope for you a life of joy, of peace, and of a love that truly suits you.
With all of my being.