A Little Crack Leads to Freedom (1)

I am finding that after years, I have a ton of old ideas. Well, Elisa, I say to myself: of course it’s been 30 years, every new idea has become old. It’s an attempt to brush me away from noticing more closely the things bringing dis-ease and all that comes with it into my life. If I can see it, then I have a way of doing something about them. WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!!, chatters half of the itty bitty shitty committee in my head. The other half says OMG HOW HORRID, See we KNEW you weren’t doing it right (good enough) get to Work, obsess over it until enough is achieved. Sigh.

So, I was inspired to try sketching/drawing a pumpkin yesterday. Not just a pumpkin, I can do those. I mean a pumpkin, like from a sketch artist. You know a perfect one (rolling my eyes as itty bitty shitty committee agree including vigorous head nodding). So, I started to ruin the thought, and to sort of argue with the committee. This removed the joy of the thought.

It also became clear as the argument ensued, that old abusive voice from a parental unit: Drawings and Poetry are a waste of good wood. This is what these are good for…and crumpling them and tossing then into the wood stove in front of me. The person didn’t just do one or two. The person waited for a pile, so that the horror of who I believed I was and my child joy and wishing to be enough, for praise and love…was crushed.

The odd, or not so odd perhaps, thing about this is that I have been away from these people for More than 30 years. So, I noticed that while there is/was a real source of the idea that I cannot do art, or of it’s value, even to myself is just for burning. I put that onto myself now. I don’t believe a personal expression has no value. I do not believe what they said. I believe they were very sick people, who couldn’t have done it any other way and that I get to put that down.

How the hell do I put it down!?! It’s not a rock. The itty bitty chitty committee shouts we would have put it down if it were a thing to put down! We are NOT stupid! (Which I find funny since they do appear to love to cling to such things to use on me at all times, what would happen to them if I managed to put down the old idea?

So as I was muttering to myself and the committee, the idea came to mind that time I found YouTube videos about drawing flowers, which made things in such a perspective to get around what I thought drawing was and to remove a little crumb of the I cannot do this idea. Of course it felt nice, so I could not follow through. I learned to draw two flowers and suddenly I had no time or something. My committee is cunning, baffling, and powerful! Perhaps I could give them a kindergarten star chart for great cunning, baffling, and powerful ideas! (And then do what I really want or believe—while still practicing principles)

So I took a breath, got the paper and pencils, got super judgy about the stuff I noted in the paper tiny drawings FAILURES already present, and I said to them shhhh look at that effort.

So I found a video about a pumpkin, I did NOT have all the right pencils (a sin i know). And I set out to simple follow the directions of the dude in the video. This is also funny as sometimes I get guidance and good orderly direction from a dude I call Dude!

So I was so intent, in a good and free way following the video dude there was nearly no time for inner chatter. They did appear to be over my shoulder, this pumpkin doesn’t look like his, so I said that’s okay I’m just following directions, leaving it free to see what comes out at the end from being literal. I ENJOYED MYSELF! (I swear as I am writing the committee just said EEE GADS! The horror! We have too…).

The pumpkin will not win any art awards. The pumpkin will not be hung in The White House. What I got, in that moment from the pumpkin, nothing bad happened during or after. I shared it with a friend, and I thought at the time I wanted praise. This morning I know it is a badge of freedom. I did what I wanted to do and nothing bad happened to me. This stepping out of the normal to me misery, caused them for a bit to create jittery shaky tummy and body feelings. I said to them, it’s ok see, it only feels funny because for all these years we are waiting to be harmed. Doing things differently does feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and Danger fear, to my body and the committee have so far registered from the brain to the body a vast gun to the head fear response. This will fade as I practice. Uncomfortable is NOT Danger.

I guess I did way more than drawing a pumpkin. I looked inside my pumpkin.

Morning Trip (350)

“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.”
—-Fyodor Dostoevsky

Morning Trip (341)

”Magic is a discipline of the mind, and it begins with understanding how consciousness is shaped and how our view of reality is constructed. Since the time of the Witch persecutions, knowledge that derives from the worldview of an animate, interconnected, dynamic universe is considered suspect—-either outright evil or simply woo-woo.

But whenever an area of knowledge is considered suspect, our minds are constricted. The Universe is too big, too complex, too ever-changing for us to know it completely, so we choose to view it through a certain frame—-one that screens out pieces of information that conflict with the categories in our minds. The narrower that frame, the more we screen out, the less we are capable of understanding or doing.”
—-Starhawk, author of The Spiral Dance

Another Aries Ponder

Sat down hoping to locate a nice quote for being joyfully incorrect. Nothing. Crickets.

Tried the music and sound motivation and located something fantastic to go along with the intent of joyfully incorrect, wrong. Video appeared with Revenge on the opening view. I chuckled and thought how fortuitous this was. Shoved to write my own and FEAR! Now a spiritual eye roll occurred. Haven’t written in a very long time. Streams of running energy and thoughts, how do I do it to please all of you. Ha! Another spiritual eye roll.

Paused a moment and thoughts of Getting to wake up this morning. To suit up and to show up. My plan had me irritated, agitated on such a beautiful morning. I then resented the loss of my idea of what ought to happen. The inner itty-bitty-shitty committee was awake and having a party veering toward the poor me pity party. And then…. I got to see the outcome of what happened instead! Nearly empty store, safer for me, deathly allergic me…who cannot get a COVID vaccine, yet. Got food I needed! Cleaned fridge, meal planned, prepped, portioned, peace and enoughness, before 8 am!

My perception, sometimes I call it a disease of perception, my way is can be full of wrong judgement, wrong thinking, wrong actions. It can lead me into a hot mess, in my mind, quicker then the blink of my eye. No matter, the truth of the situation right there in the midst of all the false, the reactions I have.

It is fantastic to see, in hindsight, the outcomes I sought to control, end up simpler, or better than what I imagined. Even those ones that appear to be OMG you will have Nothing to eat for a week, you will just DIE, can be very, very wrong.

With my old way of thinking, I’d ruminate and fester and weave all of these wrongs I had, into resentment, and plots of revenge. I’d call them fixing situations. Good management. Resiliency around obstacles. HA!!

This morning I got to be JOYFULL about being incorrect. The more I can pause before that resentful and fear-based catastrophizing (think I made up a word) and the longer I can hold the pause to see what happens next before taking a drink of fear and anger and anxiety, the more I can hear my heart beating. I can remember the feeling of grounding and keep it. I can joyfully see the outcome. No need for that revenge.

The music when I listen, I can feel that beat, unfalteringly showing me the way of the grace of that steady pause and trust that It remains. I get to choose to weave resentment and revenge OR I get to choose to weave JOY! What a choice, seems difficult maybe (insert sarcastic tone). Leaping into the joy of experience freer from my clouded thoughts, every day.

Morning Trip (323)

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
–Howard Thurman, The Living Wisdom of Howard Thurman: A Visionary for Our Time

Morning Trip (317)

“I’m not an expert on terrorism, but I’ve studied fear for over fifteen years, and here’s what I can tell you: Terrorism is time-released fear. The ultimate goal of both global and domestic terrorism is to conduct strikes that embed fear so deeply in the heart of a community that fear becomes a way of life. This unconscious way of living then fuels so much anger and blame that people start to turn on one another. Terrorism is most effective when we allow fear to take root in our culture. Then it’s only a matter of time before we become fractured, isolated, and driven by our perceptions of scarcity.”
–Brene Brown

Donald Trump and those who support him(those in office doing nothing) are Terrorists and are tacitly agreeing to acts of terrorism. Now that we are aware of this, we, as a people, can move toward restoration and resiliency.
–me

Morning Trip (312)

“Perfectionism never happens in a vacuum. It touches everyone around us. We pass it down to our children, we infect our workplace with impossible expectations, and it’s suffocating for our friends and families. Thankfully, compassion also spreads quickly. When we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others. Our children learn how to be self-compassionate by watching us, and the people around us feel free to be authentic and connected.”
–Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Morning Trip (283)

“I decided to start anew–to strip away what I had been taught, to accept as true my own thinking. This was one of the best times of my life. There was no one around to look at what I was doing, no one interested, no one to say anything about it one way or another. I was alone and singularly free, working into my own, unknown–no one to satisfy but myself. I began with coal and paper and decided not to use any color until it was impossible to do what I wanted to do in black and white. I believe it was June before I needed blue.”
–Georgia O’Keeffe