A Little Crack Leads to Freedom (1)

I am finding that after years, I have a ton of old ideas. Well, Elisa, I say to myself: of course it’s been 30 years, every new idea has become old. It’s an attempt to brush me away from noticing more closely the things bringing dis-ease and all that comes with it into my life. If I can see it, then I have a way of doing something about them. WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!!, chatters half of the itty bitty shitty committee in my head. The other half says OMG HOW HORRID, See we KNEW you weren’t doing it right (good enough) get to Work, obsess over it until enough is achieved. Sigh.

So, I was inspired to try sketching/drawing a pumpkin yesterday. Not just a pumpkin, I can do those. I mean a pumpkin, like from a sketch artist. You know a perfect one (rolling my eyes as itty bitty shitty committee agree including vigorous head nodding). So, I started to ruin the thought, and to sort of argue with the committee. This removed the joy of the thought.

It also became clear as the argument ensued, that old abusive voice from a parental unit: Drawings and Poetry are a waste of good wood. This is what these are good for…and crumpling them and tossing then into the wood stove in front of me. The person didn’t just do one or two. The person waited for a pile, so that the horror of who I believed I was and my child joy and wishing to be enough, for praise and love…was crushed.

The odd, or not so odd perhaps, thing about this is that I have been away from these people for More than 30 years. So, I noticed that while there is/was a real source of the idea that I cannot do art, or of it’s value, even to myself is just for burning. I put that onto myself now. I don’t believe a personal expression has no value. I do not believe what they said. I believe they were very sick people, who couldn’t have done it any other way and that I get to put that down.

How the hell do I put it down!?! It’s not a rock. The itty bitty chitty committee shouts we would have put it down if it were a thing to put down! We are NOT stupid! (Which I find funny since they do appear to love to cling to such things to use on me at all times, what would happen to them if I managed to put down the old idea?

So as I was muttering to myself and the committee, the idea came to mind that time I found YouTube videos about drawing flowers, which made things in such a perspective to get around what I thought drawing was and to remove a little crumb of the I cannot do this idea. Of course it felt nice, so I could not follow through. I learned to draw two flowers and suddenly I had no time or something. My committee is cunning, baffling, and powerful! Perhaps I could give them a kindergarten star chart for great cunning, baffling, and powerful ideas! (And then do what I really want or believe—while still practicing principles)

So I took a breath, got the paper and pencils, got super judgy about the stuff I noted in the paper tiny drawings FAILURES already present, and I said to them shhhh look at that effort.

So I found a video about a pumpkin, I did NOT have all the right pencils (a sin i know). And I set out to simple follow the directions of the dude in the video. This is also funny as sometimes I get guidance and good orderly direction from a dude I call Dude!

So I was so intent, in a good and free way following the video dude there was nearly no time for inner chatter. They did appear to be over my shoulder, this pumpkin doesn’t look like his, so I said that’s okay I’m just following directions, leaving it free to see what comes out at the end from being literal. I ENJOYED MYSELF! (I swear as I am writing the committee just said EEE GADS! The horror! We have too…).

The pumpkin will not win any art awards. The pumpkin will not be hung in The White House. What I got, in that moment from the pumpkin, nothing bad happened during or after. I shared it with a friend, and I thought at the time I wanted praise. This morning I know it is a badge of freedom. I did what I wanted to do and nothing bad happened to me. This stepping out of the normal to me misery, caused them for a bit to create jittery shaky tummy and body feelings. I said to them, it’s ok see, it only feels funny because for all these years we are waiting to be harmed. Doing things differently does feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and Danger fear, to my body and the committee have so far registered from the brain to the body a vast gun to the head fear response. This will fade as I practice. Uncomfortable is NOT Danger.

I guess I did way more than drawing a pumpkin. I looked inside my pumpkin.

Morning Trip (334)

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else – we are the busiest people in the world.”
–Eric Hoffer

Morning Trip (317)

“I’m not an expert on terrorism, but I’ve studied fear for over fifteen years, and here’s what I can tell you: Terrorism is time-released fear. The ultimate goal of both global and domestic terrorism is to conduct strikes that embed fear so deeply in the heart of a community that fear becomes a way of life. This unconscious way of living then fuels so much anger and blame that people start to turn on one another. Terrorism is most effective when we allow fear to take root in our culture. Then it’s only a matter of time before we become fractured, isolated, and driven by our perceptions of scarcity.”
–Brene Brown

Donald Trump and those who support him(those in office doing nothing) are Terrorists and are tacitly agreeing to acts of terrorism. Now that we are aware of this, we, as a people, can move toward restoration and resiliency.
–me

Morning Trip (306)

“On with the dance, let joy be unconfined is my motto, whether there’s any dance to dance, or any joy to unconfine.”
–Mark Twain

Morning Trip (304)

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.”
–Morris L. West

Morning Trip (291)

“When you are feeling the discomfort from seeing other people in a lackful or needy situation, and you decide to help them from your place of discomfort, no lasting value ever occurs, for two important reasons: first, you are not in alignment with the Energy of your Source, and so you have no real value to give; and second, your attention to their need only amplifies their need.

Of course, it is a wonderful thing to help others, but you must do it from your position of strength and alignment, which means you must be in alignment with their success as you offer assistance, and not in alignment with their problem.

When your awareness of their situation makes you uncomfortable and you offer help to make them feel better and to make yourself feel better, you are not in the Vortex and you are not helping. When you feel an inspired eagerness to offer something because you want to participate in their happy, successful process, your attention to their success harmonizes with the point of view of your Source; and the infinite resources of the Universe are at your disposal. And that does help.”

—Abraham

Excerpted from: Getting into the Vortex Guided Meditation CD and User Guide on November 01, 2010

Morning Trip (290)

“At first, the idea of ‘being in the moment’ scared me. I imagined that I would spend my life thinking, Right now, the wind is blowing and I see a butterfly. Now the butterfly is gone, but the wind is still blowing. A mosquito bit me despite the blowing wind. Oh my God–make it stop! I can’t do a play-by-play of every moment. I’ve got things to think about–work to get done. I basically was afraid mindfulness would disrupt my flow–what the scholar Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes as that sacred intersection of deep enjoyment and disciplined concentration.”
–Brene Brown, Rising Strong

Morning Trip (289)

“The difference between accountability and blame is very similar to the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt gets a bad rap, but the emotional discomfort of guilt can be a powerful and healthy motivator for change. Of course, feeling guilty about something over which we have no control or something that isn’t our responsibility is not helpful, and more times than not, what we think is guilt is really shame and the fear of not being enough.”
–Brene Brown