I really cherish the multitude of exposure to new perceptions in the literary and visual loot that I stumble upon during my trek at WordPress. But, for now, my computer has died and I will not be able to post and to visit, in the way that I have done for quite a while. When the computer is broken, I typically feel angst, as it is my social connection with other people AND stimulation and organization for a mind that, to be well organized, requires vast amounts of input.
I have tried to get myself to a computer at other times when it has been simply ill, and I tend to get upset and have a resentment over the process. My photographs and writing are all, often stored on my hard-drive. If I have a creative spurt while on a gratefully computer, I have no place to place it. This is viewed and felt as restrictive to me and can change my entire outlook.
Of late, real life here, around the creative has feel stifled and awful. Some days the physical body agrees with that assessment, which was even more ew. I am glad to be released from a hovering maybe about the when the computer would die, something on the motherboard was leaking and fans were broken and even the switch wished to rest.
Instead of focusing upon sorrow or stifle, I’d rather continue to work on clearing out my own person clutter, material, metaphysical, and otherwise. The lose of the computer has somehow aided this. I have no excuse that I MUST simply sit down and check or engage or create. Parts of me cannot use this positive conversion of what might not be going well in life in order to get rid of nor to hide bad feelings. To hide that I have a life on life’s terms, no matter how far I’ve come in my thinking, and how far I have yet to go. What happens when being spiritual means a self imposed ideal that involves perfection? What happens when a bad thing occurs and I want to cry or to rage, to act out on a defect of my character, instead of working out the next right thing to do when all around seem not to notice nor to care for their own side of the street? I feel like I’m rationalizing being abused. I KNOW, that I’m only cleaning and changing what I can, but the result can be that I appear like a doormat. When I expand to allow and to encompass other’s being just where they are…well that can just become clutter and be bad for me. So, I’ll be working on that. Again! 😀
This starting point, ending point sort of thinking does help one to amass what is required to get to a destination, but more always comes after. Perhaps the job is done when we die…and even more fun, I think it continues after we die!
So, happy travels, I haven’t forgotten any of you, that I know of, and if I do, I do my best to make up for it, even if I do not tell you so. I’ll be back if God sees fit to decide to provide me another computer, when He is finished with the current items He’s offered to me.