One Day At A Time, One Moment At A Time

You know? (long pause)

Life feels pretty darn unmanageable. (someone in my head says–you are sober ya goober, try a little thanks)

Oh YES! I am really glad for that and wow, what I am perceiving as life on life’s terms just now would, well I don’t even think there is a word for how much worse it would be, if I were not sober. Thanks God for helping out with that, and thanks for tolerating me kvetching at you, sometimes when you carry me I just can’t see what has been moved out of the way and only the things I view as insurmountable. I try, that bit is a work in progress, still.

Well, this morning the body and the house feel just so out of control. Oh look, that control word. There are all kinds of control and plenty of better words and tools to use so that I can see what I can change, things I can do and so on. I just still grab the word control, the world seems to demand a person has control or a false sense of control. shrugs

I decided to make a list of accomplishments, helps me to see past the spin and overload to help me to notice what I am doing and to provide a solid point of focus. The list is already rather annoying me, damn, I do a ton of little things all at once–efficiency is good, tracking it looks…the way it does 🙂

I got out to the Tree Place yesterday. I haven’t been well so my body is so weak that I can get dizzy just going up or down the stairs once. It is too difficult to attempt to shower and to dress and to go down and then out to the car and so on. Yesterday was bright and sunny, and refreshingly cold. I just went out in the state I was in and drove. I weebled out of the car about 100 feet to the tree. It was worth it. I leaned on it for a bit to rest and I thought I might need help back to the car but…I WON! I realized that going out is life for me and that to remember that being perfect and doing the whole walk and the rituals with it and the prayers is too much for my ability right now. I remember years ago when my brain was not allowing me to walk or talk and muscle control was FUBAR. A simple shift of transferring the anger and sadness at not being able, to the same joy at making it outside the front door to lean on the house and to close my eyes and breathe the air and glory in the sun on my face was amazing!

Today, every step, every motion, is one thing accomplished, one thing that says I AM. One gift from my Creator to see that which is presented to me on a daily basis that falls under, yes, I can do. The song, for now, is probably thinking too large for me, One Day At A Time is more like eating the whole elephant. One bite at a time, one nibble at a time works!

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14 thoughts on “One Day At A Time, One Moment At A Time

    • Thanks Ralph. I think that I might be more ‘ok’ than I think that I am. Not sure yet. People in real life here had just been noticing that on the outside I appear stoic and that I might remember that while when I do that, it helps me to enjoy every little thing, it might not accurately communicate to others that I’m just reaaaaaaaaaally really having to deploy coping skills. Sometimes sharing in words, even if the words are rantier or stronger gets me out of me and can prevent me from falling into the Pity Pot. I dunno if it’s my age, but it seems like it gets stinkier and stinkier in there.

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    • I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to watch the sun move across, wherever I happen to be in the house, if I’m unable to get out. Each tiny millimeter and each minute is just excellent. I think I like it to happen when i notice it while reading a book and quickly forget to stop and breathe in the light–because then i can get excited all over again and notice that I am graced with being able to see it longer and often with the kinds of sunsets that smack of Spring!

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    • No, I can’t say it is. I suppose there are some things in the emotional house that seem broken due to the overload. Unless you meant the house as being the vessel of my body, then while somewhat true, it’s more my own perceptions turning toward a rather wallowing error, bypassing the opportunities in noticing the real one small thing at a time.

      Thinks and wonders about communication error being possible here… did you mean to say that taking a micro view (of the small moment to moment things in life) makes life (mine or in general) more painful? I’m thinking about what can be missed about the true general state of things if one is nitpicking everything. Missing proper place and effect of a thing. However, in my writing of this, each noticing of ‘real’ life, the chair under my ass, toes on carpet, warm solid cup of tea in hand, fluid moving across my tongue–things become so much simpler. Even some of the things that led me or I them, to being unmanageable. I hope that I understood you, if I have not, will you please try again.

      I am not sure that I am looking to be convinced, it simply interests me to be able to understand others.

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  1. Micro meant you. Your body mind and soul.
    This moment is bliss and this is it! That’s all I could make of life and to add, I got a pen, I’ll write. Give me a camera, I’ll click a picture, make the best of what i got right now.

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    • ah, ok I have to think about it now
      I have to say, that my inner defiant one is shouting HEY HOW DARE you say I am broken, can’t you see all of my passion! I’ll show you! stamping a foot
      It’s really funny!

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      • That home is not you alone. Show the image to anyone and each one will identify with it.
        And good, get annoyed, show me more, stamp both your feet and do something, prove me wrong. I’ll take a bow.

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        • lol you have had me searching for hours looking for the right video, go see? I don’t have a darned idea what the words say. I hope it’s not saying something contrary to how it feels.

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          • Elisa, All you had to do was put up a song, any song for that matter. I’m a miserable poet, show me lil affection and I’ll be head over moccasins.
            I mean go take a picture, write a poem, a few words random or find me a song 😉

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