I woke this morning. There appear to be more things wishing to have my attentions, some of which–of course, I do not feel like obliging. However, things do seem to be progressing in what I term to be an orderly fashion. I think an orderly fashion means that I can manage without being overloaded. I’m making breakfast, trying oatmeal, chopped dates, coconut, and some pumpkin seeds.
I decided to use the quiet to take my inventory and my place. Today, this did not occur in a beating myself up manner! Actually, I clicked on my blogroll to one of my friend Kathy Drue’s blogs. She utilized this blog–Opening the Door and Walking Outside, as a one year commitment. Last year, at some point it became my ritual or habit to revisit the blog daily. I think that I stopped a bit soon this year. There are parts of one year and then another year, at such places I may have become confused about which I have visited and which that I had not. So, this morning I thought I’d go over and see which ones I may have missed. I might have to choose to do the entire year over again, just to be sure 😀
“I cannot seem to locate human satisfactory words to unlock what I think and what I feel and what comes to all of my senses when I walk the Earth. I wish I could locate a way to express it and to share it with others. I’d like to offer them the joy that I know and that seems so unfamiliar to them. The best over all word I can locate is being able to find enchantment. I have faith that I shall be able to share it or express it adequately when and if i need to do so with each person that comes along(ok so maybe I just say that or not–it seems to work out that way in the end). I would not be grounded nor sane with life on life’s terms had I not the implied challenge that I accepted to do this daily thing with you. I appreciate you beyond anything I could say with simple words.”–Elisa, Comment from The Honeymoon is Over, January 1, 2009.
The first thing, upon which I chose to reflect (ok fine it popped into my head unruly and unbidden) was, Wow! Look who I am when I am grounded and taking care of myself. Next part of me muttered about yeah and look at the mess now–you didn’t even feed the body a decent breakfast. I’m very glad for this thought because it got me the most excellent oatmeal! It also reminded me that back then I could do as I wished, and I wished to be careful of me. It made every day amazing, no matter life on life’s terms. Sometimes this making took effort and desire. I think that I have forgotten this, or have stopped responding to the nudge to partake. Part of me is wishing to berate. Another part is pointing out the Winter at The Tree Place Solstice Series and the magic that came to me from it, when I wasn’t looking, when I was only acting as if, going through the motions.
The last thing, which was the first gleaming spark of joy to my inner flame, if I look even closer past the reactions, was that I do have so much of me to express. When I do not do so, I am tired, I am ill, I am less than. I erode into the world, my batteries become corroded. I notice that I still do not have a way to express all that I wish in the ‘right’ words, or sounds, or images. Sometimes this is a color or a scent or a feeling. A label just doesn’t seem to fit or forces it to be a perception of others which isn’t precise, and then becomes not enough. I can feel unseen and unheard. Not honored.
I am the bell, ringing out across cold winter lands, echoing back, mirrored. There are two things that come to mind about this bell. It could be vain and proud and simply wish to sound to gain praise from others about the qualities it possesses. The other is a sort of acknowledgement of the ring being a bit of puzzle in existence, a part of the whole, not just walking alongside, invisible and observing not affecting. What happens if we each feel that invisible and stop contributing to the whole?
I just moved from tears to smiles in a few moments here. I was feeling sad and then I heard…the wind whispers on your face and it talks through the trees…it does this always, no matter your regard nor your thanks. 🙂
Elisa's Spot 
Hey Elisa,
I just happened upon a comment that you left on Nathan Bransford’s blog about a year ago (I like to read comments..) that went a little something like this.. actually, and exact something like this:
My biggest fear is putting all this time and effort into doing something I love and am acutally passionate about and discovering it’s no good. I’m no good. That my writing, the story, everything is so bad my own family won’t even pick it up. And yes, even though I’m on my third revision, no one but me as actually read what I’ve written.
This kind of failure I’ve never experienced in anything, and yet I’m more terrified of it than anything else because writing is the one thing that has and always will just be me; my thoughts, my words. And if they fail I’ll have no one to blame.
And it felt like I was reading someone else write out my current state of mind. That being said, if this is still an issue for you, I would love to exchange manuscripts.. for critique. Mainly because I think we’re similar in how we view those around us, and also because I would feel bad asking someone to read my stuff and comment about it if I didn’t feel like I was doing something for them.. so if it helps both of us, I think this would be an awesome exercise. Are you interested? I’ll check back here tomorrow and the next day.. just write a comment back and if you are i’ll leave my email address 🙂
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hmmmmmmmmmm
I don’t think that I have had enough tea this morning to wrap my head around what you have said, what you mean and to divine your intent. It is hard to flutter and yet have one’s forehead make a scowl. The Bransford name sounds familiar, however, the quote has some words within it and the manner of expression that on a normal day, I probably wouldn’t use. I would really like to see the link to the discussion/blog before I respond. On the other hand part of me wishes to respond and chatter and is delighted at the opportunity to engage. This part of me is one of my best features and one of the things about me that can have me feeling like the mouse trying to get the cheese from the trap. I feel very excited about reading what you offer, though I puzzle that you would, without knowing me, consider my opinion as valid. Clapping with glee here at intrigue and excitement of new communication connection.
Number Five is Aliiiiiiiiiiive!!! INPUT!!! MOOOOOooooooooooore INput!! hehe
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I am glad you moved from tears to smiles. It is always good when that happens. How do we ban the “less than” feeling? Or, if we can’t ban it, how can something larger encompass it? I think you walk that path opening to something larger all the time. Happy New Year, Elisa.
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I can get very excited at banishing unwanted things! And then, I think about how I used to do things to escape myself, and other things. The things could truly be scary things that would make anyone recoil, or the things could be some imagined slight that reminded me of that not enough and the less than. I’m glad–most days for having the flashes of the escaping efforts, reminds me what hasn’t worked. They can help me to sit still, and to wait. And to see what comes next, less react, more choice…I hope. It can feel very difficult to me to be large enough to allow, and at the same time to know I haven’t run me over with a truck while I was doing it. I think that I can be the most hurtful being to myself sometimes. (honestly one of my first thoughts before I mulled to your comment was: if i get any larger I’m gonna ‘splode, or at least need larger clothes woman!
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