Morning Inventory

I woke this morning. There appear to be more things wishing to have my attentions, some of which–of course, I do not feel like obliging. However, things do seem to be progressing in what I term to be an orderly fashion. I think an orderly fashion means that I can manage without being overloaded. I’m making breakfast, trying oatmeal, chopped dates, coconut, and some pumpkin seeds.

I decided to use the quiet to take my inventory and my place. Today, this did not occur in a beating myself up manner! Actually, I clicked on my blogroll to one of my friend Kathy Drue’s blogs. She utilized this blog–Opening the Door and Walking Outside, as a one year commitment. Last year, at some point it became my ritual or habit to revisit the blog daily. I think that I stopped a bit soon this year. There are parts of one year and then another year, at such places I may have become confused about which I have visited and which that I had not. So, this morning I thought I’d go over and see which ones I may have missed. I might have to choose to do the entire year over again, just to be sure 😀

“I cannot seem to locate human satisfactory words to unlock what I think and what I feel and what comes to all of my senses when I walk the Earth. I wish I could locate a way to express it and to share it with others. I’d like to offer them the joy that I know and that seems so unfamiliar to them. The best over all word I can locate is being able to find enchantment. I have faith that I shall be able to share it or express it adequately when and if i need to do so with each person that comes along(ok so maybe I just say that or not–it seems to work out that way in the end). I would not be grounded nor sane with life on life’s terms had I not the implied challenge that I accepted to do this daily thing with you. I appreciate you beyond anything I could say with simple words.”–Elisa, Comment from The Honeymoon is Over, January 1, 2009.

The first thing, upon which I chose to reflect (ok fine it popped into my head unruly and unbidden) was, Wow! Look who I am when I am grounded and taking care of myself. Next part of me muttered about yeah and look at the mess now–you didn’t even feed the body a decent breakfast. I’m very glad for this thought because it got me the most excellent oatmeal! It also reminded me that back then I could do as I wished, and I wished to be careful of me. It made every day amazing, no matter life on life’s terms. Sometimes this making took effort and desire. I think that I have forgotten this, or have stopped responding to the nudge to partake. Part of me is wishing to berate. Another part is pointing out the Winter at The Tree Place Solstice Series and the magic that came to me from it, when I wasn’t looking, when I was only acting as if, going through the motions.

The last thing, which was the first gleaming spark of joy to my inner flame, if I look even closer past the reactions, was that I do have so much of me to express. When I do not do so, I am tired, I am ill, I am less than. I erode into the world, my batteries become corroded. I notice that I still do not have a way to express all that I wish in the ‘right’ words, or sounds, or images. Sometimes this is a color or a scent or a feeling. A label just doesn’t seem to fit or forces it to be a perception of others which isn’t precise, and then becomes not enough. I can feel unseen and unheard. Not honored.

I am the bell, ringing out across cold winter lands, echoing back, mirrored. There are two things that come to mind about this bell. It could be vain and proud and simply wish to sound to gain praise from others about the qualities it possesses. The other is a sort of acknowledgement of the ring being a bit of puzzle in existence, a part of the whole, not just walking alongside, invisible and observing not affecting. What happens if we each feel that invisible and stop contributing to the whole?

I just moved from tears to smiles in a few moments here. I was feeling sad and then I heard…the wind whispers on your face and it talks through the trees…it does this always, no matter your regard nor your thanks. 🙂